You did NOT Cheat but your Mate did. What the HELL!
It's safe to say that no one wants to think about the possibility of an unfaithful partner. But, in the event that you suspect your man may be cheating, these helpful tips will shed some light on just some of the behaviors indicating that he could be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What makes Men Cheat?
Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman (Book: The Truth About Cheating) dug through past research on male infidelity and found these answers: 48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated. So much for the myth that for men,
cheating is all about sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual
dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture
tells us that all men need to be happy is sex," Neuman says. "But men
are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them
that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard
they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less
likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know
when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it
unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional
needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital
culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness — and once you set the tone,
he's likely to match it."
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair. The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want. 77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated. Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it. You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values — it'll create an environment that supports marriage. 40% of cheating men met the other woman at work. "Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife. In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get better sex with a better-looking body. "In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. (But know that sex does matter — it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.) Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night. Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating — especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead in bringing your marriage to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate sex more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try, "I think we've started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.(Courtesy of Redbook)  Is infidelity a
deal-breaker or is there
room for Forgiveness?
Indeed, for all of the "I'd throw him out and never let him back in the door" bluster that goes on at various girls' nights out, the truth is that 70 percent of couples who seek counseling after an affair come out of it intact. "When you put time and energy into a marriage, when you have a history and there are children involved, people definitely think long and hard before they walk away," says Lisa Thomas, a marriage counselor in Denver. And some couples who stay together after an affair report that their marriage is more open, more honest, and stronger as a result of committing to ongoing, honest communication. Here is what some Redbook readers had to say: "WORK IT OUT." It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it. When my husband had an affair, I felt it was my fault too, because I'd been too caught up in work. Even though it hurt like hell, I forgave him, and our marriage has been stronger ever since: We stopped taking each other for granted and now we are more in love. In a way it's the best thing that could've happened to us! — Age 49 Blytheville, AR If the cheater is truly remorseful and willing to work hard to repair the damage, and the cheated-upon is willing to work hard to forgive, then the couple has a shot to survive and even come out stronger. — Age 37 Lebanon, OH "IT WON'T WORK." I'm going through this now, and I've decided to end my marriage of six years. It's not so much the sexual act but rather my husband's emotional betrayal that felt so harmful and, in my case, marriage-ending. — Age 32 Houston, TX Having experienced my ex-husband's infidelity and trying (then failing) to make the marriage work for two years after the fact, I can say that there is no room for cheating in a marriage. After he cheated, I was filled with suspicion every time he left the house, and I'm sure that was hard for him too. Infidelity breaks the most sacred treasure, that of trust. — Age 59 Orlando, FL. How many women do you
know that can get past the hurt and
lies and trust the same man again? Only a few ladies in my circle
could
Love the man who made them hurt so much. It is my understanding that
only
women who truly live in the grace of God can truly forgive and forget.
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There are lots of websites on the subject. One that I found was:- Surviving infidelity.com - an adultery board dominated by women whose mates have been unfaithful to them. They have screen names like Mangled Heart, Deeply Scared & Drowning in Sorrow. There welcome mat reads: "Please come in and share...you're safe here." - Not everyone can openly talk about their mates infidelity on the internet and there are many places to go for support. Your family is always the first place to go, but not all families are open to discuss your hurt especially if you consider yourself the "Good Girl" or the " Heroine". So, go get a professional counselor. |
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